Educational Roulette*

I’m going to go ahead and address the academic elephant in the room. We, as parents and/or teachers, are being invited to a game of Russian roulette. Parents and teachers who love their children and families to death are being forced to contemplate that same death. We love our children and value their education as the fundamental stepping stone to rest of their lives. We simultaneously love our elders and value their impermanent time with us. There is no right answer here.

The game of Russian roulette is played this way: Someone places a single round into a revolver. They spin the cylinder, and then place the muzzle against their temple, and pull the trigger. They hope, and pray, that the loaded chamber doesn’t align with the primer percussion mechanism and the barrel, causing the weapon to discharge. There is a one in six chance that they will die. Five times out of six, nothing will happen! Let’s call it, 1. The grocery store, 2. The beach, 3. The gas station, 4. The neighbors kids, 5. Grandma’s house….6. School? How many risks are we willing to take? And with in-person school being arguably a greater risk than any of the others listed above just due to the number of other people in the room, as well as the amount of time spent there, is it worth it?

I promise that I am not trying to be dramatic. Our odds are much, much less drastic. But the reality we are faced with is fraught on the basis of odds.

As a parent, I have the choice to either homeschool, accept the possible hybrid version of learning from the public school system, or opt into the vague remote learning option provided by the public school system. Full time school doesn’t appear to be an option anytime soon. I will go ahead and make it painfully clear that I am not emotionally, academically, or logistically prepared to provide actual homeschooling to my three children. I am also not willing. For their own sake. So we’re down to two viable options.

I have gathered that many school districts have different versions of this hybrid “solution”. No matter what it looks like, our kids will be exposed to many other children. Therefore they’ll be exposed to all of those children’s families. Their teachers will be exposed to even more of those children. Our children, (and therefore we will be) exposed to all of those families too. The administrators possibly even more. None of us are naive enough to believe that all of our children will never remove their mask, cough, sneeze, pick boogers, etc, or embrace their beloved teacher. Please don’t be so stupid. What do we do if the teacher get covid? What do we do if the school nurse gets covid?! We’re not only sending our children into this possibly deadly game of roulette, we are forcing our teachers to join in the, “fun” in order to support their own families. This is insane.

On the flip side: I cannot have my children in my own house for virtual learning any longer. Spring semester was more than enough to know that just isn’t gonna work. I don’t have enough marbles, beads, dice, construction paper, WiFi, or TIME IN THE DAY to support this! I’m going to lose my mind.

How about a pod! An adorable little group of families in the same district who might learn together virtually. What a great idea!! Ok, so who watches the kids? Who teaches the kids or oversees their virtual learning? Who are we paying? How much does it cost? Does anyone even have similar grade kids heading to school with similar parenting ideals and also similar quarantining skills? Hmm. So now I’m risking the families of my kids pod’s with every outing I take? And them, same? Oh, the pressure. And I don’t even know you!

I’m trapped between two options and neither of them is good. If I send my kids to school we forfeit any chance of seeing my grandmother, their great-grandmother, at all. I will not be the one to get my last living grandparent sick. I will not. Except that my parents often watch my kids. So… now my mother cannot see her own mother in person? Who am I to make that choice? So fine. We do fully remote learning. How in the hell do I have a successful career while coordinating full time virtual learning between two kids plus entertaining a toddler on the side? What about their social development? What about their friends? If we do remote learning and my friend’s decide to send their kids to public school we cannot see them. Right? For how long?

This is too much. It’s a burden that we are unfit to bear. It’s mentally exhausting. Over the last few days I have decided that the hybrid is the best choice for my children. They need to go to school and see their friends. The school has put a hell of a lot of thought into their plan. It will be as safe as humanly possible. The kids will adapt. It will be fine. The numbers are low here! But then, as I sit with that decision, I begin to mull over all the negative aspects of my choice. Every additional person we come into contact with is another round of roulette. Every single one. Why should I willingly increase the odds for myself and all of my family? For what?

In terms of roulette, I could send the kids to school and then that quick trip to the gas station could be my fate. The world would never know where it came from. How many risks are worth it? How many exceptions are we willing to make?

Ok. So I’m back to fully remote learning. I’ll figure out who’s going to watch my kids. I’ll buy all the glue and construction paper. I’ll set up the dining room as the school room and hire a virtual tutor with Monopoly money and everything will be fine. But then, as I sit with that decision, I begin to mull over all the negative aspects of my choice. If I keep my children from public school I will simultaneously be making an even broader choice for all of us. Any of our friends attending public schools will be off limits, right? We’re in strict quarantine for the foreseeable future. Likely no social development for my young kids, and days on end of screen time. Winter will be unbearable.

I’m going. to lose. my mind.

I am stressed beyond belief, exhausted from thinking about this day and night, and praying constantly for a clear solution to find its way through the thick fog. I flip flop daily. I’m tired of talking about it and desperate for someone to approach me with the right answer. The problem is, there’s no right answer.

Whatever I choose, and whatever you choose for your own family will be the right choice. It will be, and I support you, because I know how much thought we’re all putting into this. All we can do is our best. Whether homeschooling, the hybrid possibility, fully remote or just skipping the 2020-2021 school year entirely and going to live alone in a yurt, I will be drinking all the vodka and rooting for you. Try to breathe. Try to focus on love. Try to remember that at the very end of the day, our children will be most significantly impacted not by their 2020-2021 educational school year, but by the way this year+ is interpreted by their parents. Life is a game of roulette. Some risks are greater than others. Choose wisely.

*the roulette analogy must be credited to my husband who is definitely tired of talking about this, and even more tired of me stressing over this. May we all find our personal solution soon.