Get off my lawn.

Last weekend I bought my first 3-row vehicle. It’s not a minivan, but it might as well be. Last night I read a book instead of staring at my phone and went to bed at a sensible hour. This morning my husband and I bickered about finances. His hair is going grey. I got dressed and even though I actually did my hair and makeup I still put on an oversized shirt because that’s what’s comfortable. My jeans go up to my belly button, and have an elastic waistband. You’re lucky I’m even wearing jeans. I yelled at the kids for being too slow. I had already drank my coffee, finished cleaning up from breakfast, made lunches, put together the dough for a batch of bread and sent a kid off to school by 8:30am. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Who the hell have I turned into?!

Just last week I was up till 3am eating, drinking, spending money and driving my little candy apple red, 2-door RSX around town with no worries about an alarm the next morning. I woke up without a hangover. I was certainly not arguing about money, or making lunches, or READING A BOOK. I was wearing jeans that barely made it to my hip bones (which you could actually find) and a skin tight shirt. I was buying the most expensive coffees at Starbucks daily and sleeping into the early afternoon… Ok, maybe not literally last week, but when did all of these changes happen?!

I swear to God that when I go to after school activities with my kids I look around the room at all the moms and think, “wow, they look so much older than me”. I can definitely relate to that young nanny though, right? I remember high school like it was yesterday. Hell, I still talk to all the same girls! Surely they will agree that we’re still basically 22. I checked our recent texts for assurance and found nothing but conversations about needing an oil change, interest on car payments, pictures of furniture and a video of the in-laws new nursery for their first grandchild. Oh, and now my husband just text that he needs a coffee because apparently we’re adults now and that’s how we survive. 

I remember my first coffee. I drank a shitty french vanilla iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts “extra extra”. For anyone not from New England, that means it’s 3/4 sugar and milk with a splash of burnt coffee. It’s. Delicious. Now I drink hot coffee from home with nothing but milk, and the milk is mostly just to cool it down enough so that I can drink it immediately. Oh, the coffee metaphors are crushing my soul right now.

Yes and no. Yes, I am the same soul in a similar body, with an only slightly wiser mind. But my time is not my own anymore. I used to do what I liked, when I liked to do it. I had very little true responsibility, and I had no sense of appreciation for that lack of responsibility. In fact, I was begging for more. I thrived on my own independence. But somehow by becoming independent you eventually become the opposite. I became so independent that I now have dependents. I owned my time so efficiently that I have gradually given it all away. I was so responsible that I became responsible for an entire household of my own.

I’m going to ask you to do something. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in your childhood bedroom. Imagine walking through the door. The colors, the smell, and how you feel. Sit on the edge of your old bed. Remember the mattress. Does it have squeaky springs? Remember the comforter. Is it fluffy, or was it a hand-me-down? When I imagine my childhood bedroom I am filled with a sense of simplicity. Life was definitely simple then, even if it didn’t seem like it at the time. Now, assuming you have kids, go and walk into their bedroom. Sit on the edge of their bed. Close your eyes and try to imagine the simplicity of their life. 

Life might not be as simple as it was when I was 6, but responsibility and independence and time are complex. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am the same person as I was at 6, sitting in my pale pink room with a pointe shoe wallpaper border and hugging my favorite teddy bear, but now I have experience. I have a rolodex of memories to choose from when confronted with a new problem. Yes, there are WAY more problems, but now I get the opportunity to find the solutions. I’ve learned that 3 kids means we need a 3-row vehicle. Reading an actual book instead of Facebook is better for my mind. Comfortable clothes are totally underrated and should be the norm. And going to bed before 10pm means I will still be tired in the morning. Coffee is life. 

Lord knows who I’ll be in a few more years. I’m sure I’ll look back on this post and think how young and naive I was when I wrote it. Maybe I’ll be drinking nothing but straight shots of espresso before bed, reading Ulysses, driving an electric bus and wearing a moomoo. If nothing else, I hope that I will have regained some of my own time. I will evolve, but one thing’s for sure: I will be the same person as I am now, with even more experience. I will have traveled a few more rotations around the sun, and I will probably also be yelling at all the young folk to, “GET OFF MY LAWN”!! 🤪