This evening, my 1 year old was crying in his crib. Typically I’d let him cry for a while, and as long as he wasn’t frantic, I’d let him “cry-it-out” till he falls asleep. He sleeps well, and rarely cries at bedtime. But this evening I was still upstairs, and after listening to him cry, “mommy…” quietly for many minutes, I decided to go in.
I lifted him out of the crib, checked his diaper, and laid his little head on my shoulder before nestling into the treasured glider that holds over 6 years of love and exhaustion. He snuggled right onto my chest and I felt his muscles relax as I rocked slowly, and smelled his clean hair.
My body and mind settled instinctively and immediately into a familiar daze. The way my body fits so perfectly into the cushions of that glider. The darkness in the room and the gentle glow of the light from the hallway. The way my eyes close softly as if that might help him close his. The comfortably frozen feeling, as I know not to move a muscle under the soft weight of my baby. The confusion about whether 30 seconds or 30 minutes have passed. He turns his head on my shoulder and I feel his doughy warm cheek touch my chin. I give him a tender kiss in the crease where his mouth meets his cheek. And then another, and another, and another…. My eyes are closed, and his must be too. The slow, soft baby kisses continue with the rocking of the glider until I’m lost entirely in the daze.
I can’t tell you if I gave him 5 kisses, or 500. But when I stopped, there was a moment of pause, and then I felt my baby boy lift his drowsy head off my shoulder just barely enough to touch the corner of his mouth to my lips for one more kiss. And just like that, my entire world came rushing back to me. Suddenly, I was reminded that my “baby” is already a walking, talking 15 month old who rarely needs to snuggle his mommy for comfort at bedtime anymore…
The kisses began again, but this time I focused on them, and enjoyed them, and took all the mental notes I possibly could. I indulged in all the sleepy baby love. I know these days won’t last. I know to enjoy them.
And I’m so so glad that I didn’t just let him cry it out.
