January in New England.

January 5th, 2020

This morning I slept in and woke up happy, brought my 1 year old downstairs, greeted my two daughters, and made a pot of coffee. My husband had already left for church (weird). I had a reasonable Sunday morning complete with a sort of healthy breakfast and a mess of cardboard blocks in the family room. My husband came home, and the baby went down for a nap. I spent too much time on my phone and decided that we ought to go for a walk! Seasonal depression is real folks, and I’m here to fight it.

We walked as a family to the very end of the street and it was cold, but wonderful. The dogs came home tired. It was such a wonderful walk that I though it would be nice to work on reading with my kindergartener. I suggested it, and she was thrilled! That lovely little book became the catalyst for a shitty shitty afternoon. Although I am well-aware that patience is not my strong suit, I felt that I was in a good place and that I was prepared for a slow going read about Pete the kitty and his case of the hiccups . My daughter was trying, and I was patient, but she wasn’t focused – looking at the tv, faking her way through the words and not reading sight words that she knows well. No big deal. I said, “hey, are you over this? You don’t need to read right now” and then she accused me of forcing her to read. C’mon kiddo. 

Then, I sank into a yucky place. Because my kid accused me of forcing her to work on reading? What!? Probably not. I probably woke up this way. I’ve probably been fighting it all day. My husband probably knew all along. But there I went, and I could feel it. I snapped at everyone. I sent my kids to play in the basement. I stared at my phone. I yelled at my girls for leaving the basement door open so the baby could fall and then he did. He’s fine. But I was pissed. My 6 year old was sent to the basement again with her doll and stroller and I closed the door for her (so there would be no confusion again about shutting the damn door) and I heard something fall down the stairs. Swung the door open to see that it was only a toy but said to my kid (still standing there at the top of the stairs), “Are you ok?!” She said yes and I shut the door with an inappropriate, “Christ!”. From behind the closed door I heard my first born say, “It was just an accident! Why are you always so mad?!”. Well. Let me tell you. That’s the absolute worst. Bad mom. I’m a bad mom. I’m angry. For no reason. And she knows it. 

I shut my phone off for two hours and went to the basement. I colored a silly picture with my 6 year old and (nearly) lost to my 4 year old in air hockey. It was my 6 year olds turn to pick and we collectively decided on a lego project. Upstairs we went for an epic Aladdin LEGO ordeal. I was so proud of the kids persistence on the project, and my husband cooked dinner. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!

Fast forward to bath time and there we are screaming at each other over shampoo, conditioner, soap and splashing. Fighting over what’s next, is the soap out, is the hair still greasy with conditioner, etc. Finally my eldest got out with a sad look on her face and I wrapped her in a towel and said, “you know, bath time is supposed to be fun”. She looked surprised and said, “well it’s not fun at all”. Into their room and I’m hearing nothing but complains about being cold. I suggested that lotion and PJs would warm them up but was greeted with whining and I lost it again. Again. Over whining from a small cold child. Ugh.

Thats when my husband stepped in. He came up and said that if I’d get a bottle for the baby, he’d take care of bedtime. K, thanks bye! At this point I was far from feeling myself, and I knew I needed an out.

Downstairs I went and sobbed about being a terrible mother. I did what any millennial would do and text all my girlfriends about my sadness. I was comforted with words of encouragement, like-minded thinking, and positive suggestions (ex. You should start running again!😩). I am forever grateful for these friendships. The Golden Globes came on, and my husband came downstairs, and I there I was sobbing to him about the plot of Frozen II. What a mess. I’m a mess. He politely went to bed.

It has been two hours since everyone’s gone to bed and here are my thoughts: 

1. Just because you start your day happy, doesn’t mean it’s required to end that way. A bad day can start at any point during the day and it still counts as a bad day. Allow yourself that.
2. Don’t stop fighting the good fight. Get outside. Turn off your phone. It might not fix everything! 🤯 But you are trying and I promise you, it won’t make it worse. 
3. If you feel sad, tell someone. Basically anyone. Preferably your friends/wife/husband/mom but honestly your Uber driver might be ok too. 
4. Hug your pet. For me, it’s my 11 year old morkie (pictured) who’s been in my life since before I even knew my husband. Pets are a powerful, often untapped source of joy. Use them. Love them. Hold them. Smile with them. Cry with them. 
5. Tomorrow is a new day. Give yourself some grace.