February, 2019
I have been asked many times about my breastfeeding experiences. My response is always something like, “I’m not the right person for that question” by which I actually mean, “I had terrible experiences so I’d politely suggest that you ask someone who had a better experience”. For those of you who didn’t pry, I will now explain.
I wanted to nurse so badly with my first. I birthed my first daughter without medication primarily because I was determined to have a fully alert newborn ready to nurse. Although she was ready to latch right away, I had a lot of trouble right from the start. It was incredibly painful even though the lactation specialist told me I was doing everything correctly. I went home and continued to push through the pain. I would often avoid feeding her because of how much it hurt. I nursed her for exactly 6 months to the day (we began to supplement at 4 months) and I will never forget the last time she nursed because all I felt was relief that it was over. It hurt every single time. Badly.
With my second daughter I was equally committed to having a good breastfeeding experience. I was determined to ask for more help from lactation specialists. What I wanted MOST was that special connection that I’ve read so much about. I birthed again without medication and she was eager to nurse. It hurt again, but I was hopeful that it would get better. On her 3rd day of life, while nursing, she let go and screamed a terrifying scream. I looked down to see blood – my blood – all over and all in her little mouth. That was it. I was done. I will never forget that image. I exclusively pumped for 4 months (began supplementing with formula around 2 months) and hated every minute of it. I’d pump for 30-45 minutes at a time to get a measly 3-4 oz multiple times a day. It was horrible but I just wanted to get her to 6 months with some breastmilk every day so I stocked the freezer with as much breastmilk as I possibly could. At 4 months we returned from a few days away and found our freezer cracked open and well over 200 oz of milk spoiled. In that moment it truly felt like there had been a death in the family. It still haunts me and it always will.
Fast forward to my baby boy. I knew on the day that I peed on that stick that this was my last chance. I was determined yet again to make this nursing thing happen. I wanted that bonding connection and I wanted to not hate breastfeeding. I’d already done it twice so I birthed once more without an epidural and he was ready to go. Now, I’d like to be able to explain all of the things that I did differently that got me to this point. I’d like to say that if you just do x, y, and z you will have a wonderful breastfeeding experience – if you want it – but that’s just not how this story ends. I don’t really think I did anything differently. The truth is, every mother is different, every baby is different, every birth story is different, and every circumstance is different.
With that being said, my baby boy and last child is now 6 1/2 months old and I AM SO FREAKING PROUD to say that we are happily still going strong! WE DID IT and I am so excited and happy to be having this experience. With a little patience and a LOT of luck, the 3rd times a charm. 🤱🏻💕
P.S. It’s also important for me to say that in retrospect I should never have forced it with my first, or been so miserable pumping for my second. FED IS BEST and I truly believe that. My babes are fine but I would have been happier had I known when to stop back then. Keep fighting the good fight Moms. Knowledge is power, but experience is invaluable.
