Pandemic Tired.

Y’all. I’m tired.

And I miss writing. I miss writing so much and yet, I’m not sure what to write about. I haven’t written a blog post in months and trust me, I wish I had, and I need to write. So I sit here wondering what monumental thing has happened lately and I realize that’s just it. Nothing. Nothing has happened. And somehow everything has happened. What a weird time we’re living in. Every day is just a struggle to get through the day.

So how about a re-cap: Every single day goes something like this. I wake up to a 2-year old demanding MICKEY MOUSE CLUB HOUSE directly in my face. Nose to nose. Once I was so tired I searched “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse full episode” with one eye half open on YouTube and handed the phone to my kid and so now he demands MICKEY MOUSE PHONE instead. And then he sobs when I climb out of bed and take the phone back. Sometimes I get my lazy ass out of bed and run a few miles, just so that I can relate to all you athletic people. But really it’s just so I can have cheese and vodka for dinner. Separately.

Mmmm Coffee. Answer emails/texts. Some kids go to school sometimes or they all stay home and need to log into google meets. What week is it? Are the kids virtual or in-person today? Take calls/answer texts. Maybe a grandparent shows up to watch the kids so I can go to work for a few hours. Maybe I load all the kids up in the car to go run work errands. What day is it? Check the calendar. Has anyone eaten breakfast? Are the chickens taken care of? Why is the dog barking? Where the hell did the 2-yr old child go now? Did he let himself outside again? It’s 9am.

And then suddenly it’s 4pm and I’m not even sure what was accomplished. Kids are done with school….I think? That middle kid probably didn’t complete even half of her assignments. Dinner. Maybe a bath and then bed. Silence in the house and exhaustion sets in. The whole house is a mess but I’m over it. Maybe tomorrow.

Why am I so tired? Why is every day a struggle? Sure, work is busy and the kids are a handful and my husband works full time as well and there are dogs and chickens to tend but really….why am I so tired?!

2020 has brought on a level of emotional stress that I don’t believe any of us were prepared for. The major difference is that this stress presents itself in completely different ways to all different types of people. For some, the anxiety of the pandemic itself is enough. How to safely leave the house, grocery shop, avoid the nose-out non-maskers and hide out in the at-home fortress alone is enough to put some through the roof. But then we compound that with things like: should I let my child/ren go to school with other children and up our families risk so that my child/ren can socially develop? Should I invite my grandmother over for Thanksgiving knowing that my kids have been in public school? Should I rsvp NO to the birthday party of my daughters very best friend because it’s 3 days before I’m supposed to see my grandmother? Should I still be bleaching the doorknobs? When’s the last time your mask went through the wash? What do you mean there’s another email from the school about COVID? Another student tested positive? If they can go to school then why have we been dodging friends for months? Major life-changes are happening and we’re missing them. FaceTime and GoogleMeets are not the same as a warm hug for a friend who just celebrated their marriage or lost a parent, and they never will be.

Let’s just start purchasing Christmas presents now and pretend that everything will be fine by December. Teachers and staff members at public schools? I have no idea how you are surviving. Maybe you’ve lost a job/started a new job via zoom this year. Oh, and you’re also in school? Virtual classes or in-person this semester? Nobody knows? Cool. That’s fine. Extra-curriculars are on hold this week, but on next week, and then off for two weeks and then probably back on again but you’ll let us know? K. Stop asking me if my kids want to participate in whatever it is next April. WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT NEXT APRIL IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE. Not fair. I don’t even know what tomorrow is going to look like. I don’t even know what I look like. I am exhausted. Literally, but even more so emotionally. We all are.

Whether you gallivant around town mask-free, or stay holed up in your humble abode, we are all feeling the stress of the pandemic in some way. For the empaths, and even for those who don’t realize that they feel it, the air is thick.

So, as a human who thrives on sunlight and positive vibes, I am desperate and going to recommend the one thing that sometimes helps me. Walk outside. If you’re in New England enjoying the unseasonably warm November then that is just damn perfect. Stop what you’re doing to go stand in the sunlight. Take deep breaths. Do that thing that used to make you happy. Write. Read. Watch your pup sleep calmly. Sneak in and watch your babies chest rise and fall as they sleep. Sip your coffee or tea a little tiny bit more slowly in the morning. Relax your shoulders and unclench your jaw. Close your eyes and give yourself some grace. You are currently surviving a pandemic that will be in the history books and you are allowed to be tired.