If this is your first, you have probably already read What to Expect When Expecting, all the cute little tid bits that appear weekly in your Pregnancy App, and about 87 additional blogs that made you sob over God knows what. If this is your second, you’ve probably read nothing except what fruit or vegetable corresponds to the size of the baby in your belly. If this is your third, you probably haven’t even read the calendar to know what day it is. Regardless of how many babies you have, here’s one that everyone should read Prior To Delivery.
If you want to breastfeed your newborn leach, you’ve got some things to think about, and plan for before you arrive home with your blob of joy. You can wing it, and you might be one of the lucky lucky women who births a baby that is naturally good at sucking the boob. In my personal experience, and the experience of many of my friends, the chances of being that lucky are about the same as the chances of having a husband who does the dishes every night without being asked. Possible, but unlikely.
Now, you can try to imagine what it might feel like to nourish a floppy blob, but you don’t really know what it’s like until you actually have to feed the frantic screeching mush ball 12 times a day having not slept in what feels like 10 years. So, before you give it a go, here are some tips to get you ready.
- You have to drink SO MUCH WATER. Like, you need to float. Minimum an entire full glass of water every time baby nurses. I’m convinced that water (in one form or another) solves all of life’s problems. Go out to Target, or HomeGoods, and buy the cutest water bottles you can find. Multiple. One for the nursery, one for your bedroom, one for the family room, one for your car, and one for when you lose one of those. And maybe one more just in case. Here are some that I like, and recommend: HydroFlask or Iron Flask.
- If you enjoyed “eating for two” while pregnant, you’ll be pleased to know that that continues during breastfeeding. You’ll need at least an additional 500 calories per day. This is easier said than done with a newborn because you’re going to be a fuzzy exhausted pile of mommy and the last thing you’ll be thinking about is actually feeding yourself. So, while still pregnant, start doubling some of your favorite dinners and freezing the second batch. An extra lasagna, shepherds pie, or casserole will be way easier to throw into the oven or microwave and eat directly from the container while hunched over the kitchen counter with a babe on the boob. Major bonus points for any foods that don’t require a knife. Also, you might want to consider avoiding gassy foods like broccoli or beans. I accidentally made a request from the hospital bed for Chipotle the day after my third was born. Oops. Poor kid. PRO TIP: Buy these boob cookies, or these boob cookies. I know they’re a little expensive, but just do it. They come in little individual packages so you can throw one in the diaper bag, one in the nursery, one in the glove box, etc., and your husband won’t eat them because you can tell them that they’ll make his nipples bleed. Breastfeeding can make you ravenous, and these little bags always appear when you need them the most. Like, when you’ve packed up half your house into the diaper bag, strapped ALL the kids into the car, fed the baby, planned for kid snacks, clothing changes, burping cloths, diapers, milk, juice, toys, loveys, blankets, hats, gloves, pump, car charger for the pump, bottles, bottle wash, books, pacifiers, and a husband, and as soon as you pull out of the driveway you realize that you’re going to murder your husband and drive the car into a tree if you don’t eat before you show up at your grandmothers……….and there’s that glorious little bag in the glove box. Haaayyyy!
- Being a human cow is different for everyone. Some naturally make too much milk, and others make not enough. Some women produce milk that has a high fat content, and others produce “thinner” milk. No matter what you naturally produce, the concept is always supply and demand. If you feed the kid more often, your body will think it needs to make more sustenance. That’s easier said than done in the beginning because your nipples will need more time to heal than the leach will be willing to give them. Feed the squishy human as much as you can. It is wildly important to note that: If it hurts, it’s a bad latch! GET HELP. It can be fixed, and no, it’s not just natural for everyone. I could write an entire article about this issue but I’m going to move on. If you’re low on supply, pump in between feedings. Try to feed on both sides every time. Even if baby falls asleep, just the nipple stimulation on the second side will make your body kick itself into gear. Wana hear something gross? Your nipple, which has been basically useless for your entire life up until now, will actually SUCK IN the SPIT from your child, and then your body will CHANGE THE BREASTMILK to better suit your babies needs. WHAT?! I’m serious. It’s real. GOOGLE THAT SHIT. THE FEMALE BODY IS INCREDIBLE. Honor it.
- Speaking of supply, let’s talk for a second about breast pumps. In in good ol’ US of A, your health insurance should provide you with a breast pump before you leave the hospital. TAKE IT. You might have to tell them that you plan to breastfeed, and you might have to sign another form. ASK THEM. Also, before you birth the cute little alien-looking butternut squash, you should buy some milk storage supplies. Start with this Medela breast feeding gift set and then you can decide what you like and what you don’t need and order more off Amazon. (Side note: if you’re some kind of freak that doesn’t have Amazon prime, you’re about to be a mom. Drive-thrus and Amazon Prime were invented specifically for Moms. Don’t be a hero. Use them both.) What the machine pulls out of you is not an indication of what your body is capable of. The actual human baby pulls at least 2X more out of you. If baby is growing, and doc is happy, then you’re good. If you’re paranoid, and flush, buy an infant scale (off Amazon) and weigh the baby before you feed them, and after you feed them for proof. For my second+ time moms. I’ll bet you can’t wait to hear the ‘waaaaaaaahhnngggkk waaaaaaaaahhnngggkk waaaaaaaaaaahhnnggkk” of the breast pump haunting your nightmares again. Oooohhhh that sound. Just wait. It’s the worst.
- Here are some other things that you should buy, or put on your registry if you plan to breastfeed. Haakaa, or any other hand held pumps are super helpful for those who have leaky boobs or over supply. When you’re feeding baby on one side and your body lets down, your other boob will leak. Don’t waste the milk. You can save it with this thing. Never, ever waste milk. Lanolin is the greatest, and also the cheapest option for every day nipple relief. Buy many bottles. Put one in every place you breastfeed. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT look up what it actually is and how they harvest it. Just don’t. Buy comfortable nursing tank tops. When I brought my first babe home, my mother-in-law came to visit and asked what she could bring. I knew she meant like food, or coffee, or cute onesies, but what I really needed was a second nursing tank. She totally came through. Also get a Boppy. I still wonder why it took me three kids to finally get one of these. You need it. Trust me.
- You’ve probably already read this somewhere in “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”, but when they tell you to take everything from the hospital, they’re totally serious. Open the package of diapers, use one, and then stuff that shit in your suitcase and ask for more diapers. Tell your husband to bite his tongue. Empty that little cart, and while you’re at it, ask for as many gel nipple pads as they will give you. They’re so expensive but free from the hospital. If your nurse is super nice, as for prescribed medicated nipple cream. They gave me the smallest bottle I have every seen of the stuff and I savored every last bit. It’s magical. While you’re at the hospital ask for help from lactation. And then ask for them to come again. Take all the help they will give you. Ask them to show you different positions to hold the baby. Ask how to contact them after you leave. Ask lactation for nipple cream too, and those gel pads. Take. All. The. Things.
- Find yourself a new mind-less game to play on your phone. Yes, breastfeeding is beautiful and wonderful and bonding, blah blah blah but it’s also so boring. Try out candy crush or tetris, or word scramble or whatever your vice is. Make sure you have a table next to the chair you will nurse in most often. Put a hair elastic on your wrist to remember which boob to start with next time. I know you used to be able to remember everything but those days are over, forever. I’m sorry. You probably don’t even remember how this article started. While you’re on your phone, pick a tracking app. I liked, “Baby Tracker” and my friends liked, “Awesome Baby Tracker”.
- Buy formula. Yeah, I know. It seems counter-intuitive, but I highly recommend it for a couple of reasons. Just put it up in a cabinet and semi-forget about it. This way it will be there if your baby comes early, because it might take longer for your milk to come in and that baby needs to eat. If your baby rips open your nipple and blood comes pouring out at 2am, the nearest Target might not be open. If you decide that breastfeeding just isn’t for you and don’t want wait 2 days for Amazon. If you come back from vacation and realize that 200+ ounces of frozen milk has spoiled because the freezer door was left open. And finally, but probably most importantly, for peace of mind. You’re going to be this tiny humans only source of nourishment. You are a human cow. Your husbands nipples are useless and you will resent him for this at 3am in the morning. Every morning. You will watch the sun-rise, and set over and over again until you have no idea what day it is and the last time you showered. Breastfeeding might be easy for you and then you won’t need that formula and you can drop it off to a friend or a local shelter. But the #1 reason your milk supply will dip is stress. Just a little peace of mind up there in that cabinet might be all you need to shake the stress and feed the parasite attached to your human udders. Godspeed.
