Prior To Delivery: Visitors Edition

Let’s talk about visitors, shall we? New Moms are rarely warned about this phenomenon and that bothers me.

For some God awful reason, every friend and family member is going to wait until you birth a child to show up at your doorstep. To be clear, you will have either pushed a 5-10 pound actual human being out of your teeny vagina, or been sliced wide open on a table and had a sloppy pile of baby scooped out of your middle, and then all of a sudden everyone wants to visit. WHY?! Why on earth would you want anyone else walking into your house when you haven’t showered in days, the house is an absolute disaster, and your only goal each day is to keep the squishy human alive for another 24 hours? You cannot try to tell me that they want to meet the baby. You just can’t. It makes no sense! The baby is barely even a baby yet and practically all newborns look the same. Their face is squished and still slightly alien-esque, they probably have one flat side of their soft skull, and their extremities are lanky and awkward. Aside from that, THEY DO NOT HAVE A PERSONALITY AND THEREFORE THERE IS NOTHING TO “MEET”. You cannot “meet” a newborn. You can only see a newborn. So, what you’re really doing is disrupting a brand new mom’s upside-down life so that you can be one of the first to brag that you saw the new human in the flesh. Rude.

If you are the Mom, you will learn quickly that this is unavoidable, therefore your best option is to delegate. Maybe your husband had to go back to work so you’re lonely and looking forward to visiting hour! Either way, make a list of everything that needs to get done. Write it down, ‘cause your husband won’t remember and you now you actually won’t remember either, because you haven’t slept in a week. It’s going to feel silly to write down things like, “-load the dishes -poop -take out the trash -shower -fold the laundry -go grocery shopping”. I have a friend whose in-laws showed up and let her grocery shop and cook for them for FIVE DAYS while she was hemorrhaging and trying to learn how the hell to be a first time Mom. Under no circumstances should the brand new mom be hosting dinner parties or catering to guests. Leave the to-do list in a painfully obvious place. If people ask what they can do to help, don’t say, “nothing”. Give them your list. ASK FOR HELP. If they’re not helping, they’re not welcome. And when you’re ready for them to leave, tell them to leave. 

Lay down ground rules immediately. No visitors on Mondays. No showing up if you or anyone in your household has been sick. No picking up a peacefully sleeping baby. No kissing the baby. No telling Mom that the baby is hungry even though she literally just fed him. No asking for things like water or coffee or a snack. No bringing snot-faced children along, or any young children really. No overstaying your welcome. No showing up unannounced. No asking about how the delivery went. No asking about how breastfeeding is going. No talking. Just shut up and do the laundry.

Now visitors, it’s your turn. If you are the visitor, there are some things you can do to be less of an asshole. My personal favorite tactic is to stay away entirely, and have a pizza paid for and delivered to the new mom’s house 3 or 4 days after she gets home. Then visit in a few weeks once Mom has found her groove. But if you must see the new human, you should show up with dinner and coffee. (To be clear, you leave the dinner. You don’t stay for dinner.) Lunch, or presents, or booze, are fine too but dinner and coffee would be best. Hot coffee. Or whatever the Mom likes. Stay for a maximum of 1 hour. If you have mutual friends, come together. If new baby has older siblings bring a gift for the older kids. Mom can’t even remember their name/s these days and they’re totally feeling left out. WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS BEFORE YOU TOUCH THAT BABY. Make yourself useful and do something around the house without being asked. Mom is in a sleepy fog and she’ll probably pick the path of least resistance if you ask her, so just do it anyway. If Mom needs to feed the baby and she’s breastfeeding then it’s time to leave. She’s new at this and she absolutely does not want to leave the room and have you wait until she comes back. If baby needs to eat and she’s having formula, the visitor should feed the baby while Mom showers or pretends to shower but actually just lays on her bed in silence for 15 minutes. Take candid pictures of Mom and baby. I know that she’ll say stop, but do it anyway. She’ll be so glad to have them someday. 

The truth is, during those first few weeks after the baby is born you’re not gonna miss your friends, Aunts, and cousins, you’re going to miss your spouse. Yes, the one living in the house with you. It’s hard to believe if you don’t have a baby yet, but I have never felt so far from my husband as I did in the first few weeks after our first was born. He was present, and helpful and did all the right things. It wasn’t that. It was a lesson in leveling up. We had crossed into the next level of our relationship and everything was new and confusing until we got the hang of it. You will get the hang of it, and it will get better and easier but you need to stand your ground. Do not let the visitors steal your energy because you need it for that tiny screaming blob of life, and to heal from the pain of expelling a living, breathing human being from inside your body. Godspeed.