Sanitized Crayons.

As we gear up for the ‘20-‘21, school year nothing seems to feel the same. School is starting later than normal, so my unavoidable memories of these days via Facebook show excitedly nervous faces with brand new clothes and backpacks heading off to their first day of school. First time on the school bus last year! I cried and wrote an emotional post about my big girl heading off to kindergarten on the big yellow bus in 2019. Instead, we’re still home right now waiting for more information about what this school year will even look like. Email upon email regarding the latest safety requirement, and the newest adjustment to keep our kids and their families safe. I don’t mean to sound petty here – I appreciate the emails from the school department and I am sure that I would rather have any other job in hell than be a teacher right now. NOPE. I have never been a, “teacher” but this has driven that point into the ground. Nevertheless, information is spotty, wildly confusing and overloaded.

I must focus on what I am good at. I can organize. I can think positively.

Last year, I used to lay out my kid’s clothes for the school week in an over the door sort of thing that hangs and is meant to hold shoes. A few days ago I noticed at the very bottom of the organizer was one more outfit. Still laying in it’s original slot was the outfit meant to be worn by my eldest on March 13th. The day that we were told suddenly the kids had the day off, but we’d be back on Monday. We weren’t back on Monday. We were told we’d be back in 2 weeks. We weren’t back in 2 weeks. We were told we’d be back at the end of April. We weren’t back. We never went back. We haven’t been back. Nothing has been quite the same since. And that outfit lays there completely forgotten in the bottom corner of what used to be an organized life. I can’t even bring myself to take it out.

I’d like to leave a beat here for anyone reading to pause and remember what used to be simple and exciting about back-to-school. Inhale. Exhale.

This year instead of picking out new back to school clothes, we’ve picked out new masks. Instead of new backpacks, we’ve purchased desks for home learning. Instead of lunchboxes and school snacks, we’ll have chromebooks and leftovers. Instead of smiling faces at bus stops we’ll have nervous bus drivers and assistants to keep children separated. Instead of new teacher hugs we’ll have plexi-glass and distanced learning. Instead of learning to share, they’ll be reminded that each child has their own designated crayons. Instead of lunchtime, the kids will be sent home hungry and exhausted from rules and procedures. Instead of reminding my kids to welcome other children I’ll be reminding them to sanitize and stay away. Instead of, “make new friends” it’ll be, “stay within your bubble (pod)”. Instead of simple nerves it will be complex emotions and the only relief is to know that we are all just trying to navigate our way through this the best that we can.

I am grateful for every teacher who spent their summer just as much in the dark as we have been and who are now taking that darkness and turning it into seemingly impossible light for our children. I am separately, and having nothing to do with any virus, grateful to any teacher required to teach common core math. I am grateful for the administrators who have been ridiculed and scoffed at for doing their very best to make decisions for the entire community all while knowing that no decision is right for all children. I am grateful for all of those involved in the school system who are often overlooked. I see you lunch ladies and teachers assistants and janitors and admins and nurses and librarians, etc. I apologize if you are amongst the, “etc”. I am sad for all those in the school systems who have lost jobs over this whether it be by choice or not. I acknowledge every person who stepped away from a job at a school, or outside a school in order to provide better care and education for their own children. My heart goes out to all of those who are forced to choose between their careers and the well-being of their children and/or family during this pandemic. Whether you choose to send your child/ren to school, daycare, sports, friends houses freely or you choose to isolate within the smallest possible bubble, or somewhere in between – one thing remains the same. We are all in this together.

As for me, I have chosen to have my kids attend the hybrid version of school. How lucky am I to have a CHOICE? I don’t have to explain my decision to you in the exact same way that I don’t expect you to explain your decision to me. Just know that this is one of the only times in my life that I have ever been forced to make a decision that I cannot fully justify in my own mind. And I am an expert in justification. I do not feel confident in my decision, but having weighed all of the options endlessly, this appears to be the best option for our family. I think. I hope.

I’ve considered making a visual graph to record the way I feel about life, parenting, and school during this pandemic on a daily basis. I think it might be useful for other parents to see that most of us are living a rollercoaster of emotions though this year. Fortunately, or unfortunately, no one on earth (with children) has time for that shit. So suffice it to say, YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

This school year is going to be fine. I say that in a sort of, “It’s fine, I’m fine. Everything’s fine” sort of way. (Someone buy me that t-shirt.) Focus on your skills. Personally, I will organize the hell out of this house, and sprinkle positive vibes on everyone in the form of sanitizer until their eyeballs start to bleed. It’s gonna be great. The kids aren’t going to be stressed and they’re going to learn so much new stuff and be completely ready for college in like 10 years. Nothing to worry about! Ok, sometimes those positive vibes come on a little too strong but I know that no matter what, everyone is doing their personal best so what more could anyone ask? And hell, I’m stocked up on vodka and I’ve already got an outfit lined up from last year. Bring it on.