I laid down in my sons bed this evening and he asked if I’d like to sleep in his bed tonight. I appreciated the offer, but my plush king-sized bed was calling my name as I felt the springs in his twin sized bed rearrange themselves under the weight of me.
I laid in silence for a moment as I pondered what exactly I should say to him. My husband is the one who’s good at this. I am not.
— Our son has been increasingly difficult over the past few weeks (months?) and we’re a little bit at a loss about what to do. He’s three. We get it. He gets lots of breaks and we are well aware of his age and that he’s apt to push buttons. We are also stern and clear about our expectations. He gets lots of outdoor time and he spends plenty of time in a bath/water and he goes to pre-school and also has a couple of days home with me and he has siblings to play with and I take him places and he goes to Taekwando and swimming class but also has down time to play with an iPad and good lord I think he’s a pretty freaking well rounded kid, OK?!
And yet, he’s really pushed us both to our breaking point. And by breaking point I mean like more vodka-point.
I have tried yelling. I have tried scolding. It’s not working. His eyes bug out and his face gets this far away look like he’s just left the building. I am a believer of “time out” and we use that tactic frequently and will continue to do so – but it’s not working the way that it did for our girls. Keith is a different breed. A different soul. He also just always needs to pee as soon as he’s sent to timeout so the whole idea of it kinda loses its luster.
He’s rough and gentle at the same time. He’s giving kisses until he’s suddenly licking my arm. He’s, “eating” (beating) my leg with a hard plastic dinosaur until he’s suddenly climbing into my lap for a snuggle. He’s watching his sisters recital peacefully until he sees me video taping, licks his fingers, and runs them through my hair. He’s my Yin and Yang. My greatest challenge so far. He is defiant.
There are many things that I believe I have conquered in my early journey of motherhood but defiance might be the death of me. Keith is not just disobedient, he is downright disrespectful. And I won’t do disrespect. He will scream COMPLETELY RANDOMLY at the top of his lungs in a restaurant and when asked calmly to stop he will say ok. And then 4 seconds later he will make sure he has eye contact with me before he screams again. He will lose his marbles when after like 7 warnings it’s finally time to go. He’ll fight me so hard I’m sometimes physically unable to restrain him so we have to wait it out. I will ask him to stop coloring with syrup on the counter and he will look me square in the face and do it one more time. It doesn’t matter if I ask nicely, if I explain it to him in plain words, or if I yell. He will still look me dead in the face and push it a little further. He thrives off my anger, and even when I manage to keep my cool he still retaliates until I’m forced to remove him from a public place – even if I’m not angry.
When I was young, my older brother discovered that the best way to piss me off was to get me upset and then giggle in my face. There’s nothing in the world that infuriates me more than being laughed at when I’m angry. It took my brother a solid 10 years to discover this. It took my son only three.
Needless to say, I have been soul searching to figure out how to deal with this tiny human that I love so deeply, who has also become a bit of a monster. —
So, I laid down in his bed this evening and chose my words carefully.
Keith, let’s talk about some things that are good and some things that are bad and you can tell me if they’re good or if they’re bad, ok?
OK!!
Is it good to scream in a restaurant?
NO!
Is it good to sit quietly and eat your dinner?
YES!
Is it good to brush your teeth before bed?
YES!
Is it good to listen to Mommy and Daddy?
YES!
Is it good to hit your sister?
NO!!
Is it good to run around in a parking lot?
NO!
Ok, how about you give me a few and I’ll try to answer.
Ok! Mommy, is it good to eat your breakfast?
Yes.
Mommy, is it good to pet the dogs?
Nicely, gently, yes.
Mommy is it good to sit down and eat your dinner and not scream and be quiet at a restaurant and be good?
Yes, Keith. It sure is.
HE KNOWS. This is just a snippet, but he knows. He knows how to be good. He knows what is good and what it bad. It is super important to note that HE KNOWS.
Next, I wanted to remind him how loved he is, so I told him I loved him and he gave me a big squeeze. I asked him to show me how much I love him and he grinned and opened his arms up as wide as they’d go as he laid next to me. One and up by his ear and the other down by his leg to show how big I love him. Next I asked him to show me how much his daddy loves him and he grinned and switched arms. The right arm now up past his ear and left down by his knees stretched long. Then he caught on and said “and how much do my girls love me” and switched his arms again wide….then one more switch after asking how much our dogs love him. I was still giggling a little about the dogs when he moved straight on to say….and guess how much I love me.
This is where I lost it.
I was so stunned at his honest, loving, perfectly innocent yet wildly deep statement that I laid there in complete shock as my 3 year old sat up in his bed with a smile that lit up his whole face and he spread his arms from left to right as far as he could possibly stretch them. He looked down at me so proud so I stared at him and said, “more”. He stretched his arms wider. “More” and he stretched them even wider. “More” as he started giggling and stretched his arms behind his back. “More!!” as he’s laughing and trying to open his arms wider than they’ll go.
He knows what right and wrong. He knows we love him. He knows that Mommy and Daddy and his girls (sisters) and his dogs love him. But more importantly, he knows how to love himself. At three years old he knows that he should love himself the most. That’s more than many adults. He’s gonna be just fine. We might barely survive this phase, but he’s gonna be fine.
I had only just stepped into my bedroom and was trying to gather my thoughts after all this happened when my 8 year old daughter walked in looking a little concerned and asked if Keith was ok and said she’d heard us talking for a while in his room. Yes, he’s fine. Well what were you taking about? Come here and snuggle in and I’ll try to explain.
Keith is kind of a pain in the neck, right?
Hehe, yes.
Now how do you think it would feel to be called a pain in the neck all the time?
Not good.
Do you think if you were called a pain the neck all the time that you’d ever want to even try to be better?
Oh. No. Maybe not.
Maybe that’s why he’s such a pain in the neck all the time, huh?
** oooooohhhhh **
So maybe if we’re a little nicer to Keith (even though I totally get that he IS a pain in the neck and doesn’t always deserve us being nice) maybe if we just show him how much we love him maybe he’ll be a little better?
** nods **
Cause I asked Keith to show me how much I love him tonight and he held his arms wide open and then I asked him about daddy and he held his arms wide and then he told me he’d show me how much his girls love him and he smiled wide and opened his arms even wider. He loves you and he knows you love him just as much.
** she grinned **
And then he showed me how much he loves himself. He sat up in his bed and opened his arms as wide as they go and I told him more and he opened them wider and I said more and he opened them even wider….
Yeah! That’s what I heard!!
So maybe if we show Keith that we can love him as much as he loves himself he’ll learn that it’s ok to be good and to listen and to be respectful. What do you think?
** smiles ** Yes, I think so.
I do too, kiddo. I won’t go so far as to say that I can do that, “gentle parenting” technique as there will still be timeouts and punishments and loss of important things, etc as needed… but maybe, just maybe….if we can show Keith that we love him as much as he loves himself then we can begin to learn from him as he learns from us. After all, it all boils down to love, right?
